So the dust has settled a bit since you and your ex broke up, but you can't forget the time you two spent together. You're determined to get your ex back... but now you have to decide how to make that first post-breakup contact. Do it correctly, and all will likely fall into place... but do it wrong, and you can ruin your future together forever. So how do you make that crucial contact, so you can win back your ex and get on with your relationship?
First, you need to be positive that that enough time has gone by since the breakup. In most cases, it's a good idea to wait at least a month... but that depends on a variety of factors. If your relationship ended in a rather dramatic vein, you might need some more time to work through all of the bitterness and hostility. If you try to make contact before you deal with your emotions, you're probably just going to end up ruining your chances for good.
The sticking point here, of course, is that you don't really know how long it's going to take your ex to be ready to talk about getting back together. If there are weighty issues (for example, your ex is coping with infidelity or some other horrendous screw-up on your part), it might take several months before your ex is ready. As long as no serious transgressions occurred, though, a month should be fine.
Now, how do you contact your ex? Well, there are several options - you could stop by; you could call; or you could send a letter or an email. Each of these methods has its advantages and disadvantages.
Just stopping by works out great if your ex has been longing to see you, and is absolutely ready to restore the relationship. If that's the case, the two of you can pick up where you left off, and pretend like the breakup never happened.
That sounds great, right? The problem is, it usually doesn't happen like that. If the issues in your relationship were big enough that the two of you broke up, you're probably not in for a fairytale reunion. Your ex might even your stopping by unannounced as intrusive, which lends it self to anger more than joy. That's not exactly a great way to win back your ex. Put this one at the bottom of your list of options.
Calling can be a great option if you're sure you can keep your emotions in check. This is a bit of a gamble, because you might think you'll be fine, but as soon as you hear your ex's voice, your heart might hit your stomach... and you might fall apart. So then your first post-breakup contact results in you looking like a needy, emotionally imbalanced train wreck. Not good. The upside of calling, though, is that it's warm and personal. As long as you can keep it together, calling is the most effective option.
If you think you might get overly emotional if you call your ex, it might be a good idea to write a letter instead. This way, you can think about what you want to say for as long as you need to. If the words don't come out right, you can always just start over - no embarrassment, no regret. It might sound a bit old-fashioned, but real handwriting on real paper is the best choice... it's more personal than email, and is more likely to touch your ex's heart. The downside of sending a letter, though, is that there's plenty of time for you to hang around waiting to see how (or if) your ex will respond. It lacks the immediacy of a phone call - which can be rather taxing.
Of course, some of you might say that handwriting a letter is passe, and that it's fine to just email instead. Well, it's true that your ex will receive an email much more quickly than a letter, and write a response faster. Nonetheless, if you're going to write instead of calling, handwriting is still the best way to go. Email is impersonal, and says, "I don't really care enough to put my heart into this." Email if you must, but you're not as likely to get a warm response.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
7 Tips to Get Back With Your Ex
So you've sat around and thought about it... and drowned your sorrows in a fifth of Cuervo Gold or a family-sized bag of Jalapeno Popper Doritos... and thought about it some more... and come to the conclusion that the only way that life will ever be right again is if you get back with your ex.
Now, if your ex feels the same way, no problem. Well... there will still be things you and your ex will have to work out, but at least you're both on the same page... which is two-thirds of the battle.
If your ex isn't quite ready for another go at the relationship, though, things get a little trickier. Before you rush off headlong and beg for your ex to come back, though, read through these 7 tips to get back with your ex. They'll greatly increase your chances of a successful reunion... and once the two of you are back together, they'll help your relationship be stronger than it ever was before you broke up.
1) Before you ever even contact your ex, make sure you're looking out for yourself. Do what you need to do to get your head screwed on properly. We often spend most of our time and energy focusing on the ex - making sure he or she is doing okay. That's not goin gto help you get back with your ex right now. Taking care of yourself will.
2) If you need to talk to a professional, by all means, do it. You have to work on getting yourself back to a stable emotional state... and sometimes talking to your best friend isn't enough. There is absolutely no shame in getting professional help - after all, break ups are very painful and very draining. You're going to need break up help to get back to normal.
3) Develop a rational strategy to get back with your ex. Acting on impulse might seem romantic and Cassanova-esque, but it's a recipe for disaster. Use a course like Save the Marriage to quickly develop a step-by-step plan for winning back your ex - if he or she is really the one, you can't afford to rely on guesswork - you have to know your plan will succeed!
4) Sit down and honestly evaluate your emotional state before you get in touch with your ex. Are you confident and calm? Your ex isn't going to be too interested in rekindling a romance with you if you're a crying, needy mess. Nobody needs that. Your ex wants somebody who adds to his or her life, not someone who has to be taken care of.
5) Set up a meeting with your ex in a neutral location. Don't go to the spot where you first kissed, or where you spent your anniversary, or anywhere else that dredges up the past. This is about the possibility of a new beginning - bringing up old emotions can easily ruin your chance of winning back your ex.
6) Don't just talk. Listen. Sure, your ex probably made some mistakes in your relationship, but you probably did too. Getting defensive about your shortcomings isn't going to make you more endearing. If you want to show your ex that you can make it work this time... listen without judgment. You might learn something that will make your relationship work.
7) Give your ex the space to decide whether to pursue the relationship. After the two of you have met, your ex will probably need some time to think. It will be tempting to contact your ex after the meeting to see if the relationship can be rekindled... but you need to exercise a bit of patience, and wait for your ex to think things through. Sometimes, a bit of space can make all the difference.
Now, if your ex feels the same way, no problem. Well... there will still be things you and your ex will have to work out, but at least you're both on the same page... which is two-thirds of the battle.
If your ex isn't quite ready for another go at the relationship, though, things get a little trickier. Before you rush off headlong and beg for your ex to come back, though, read through these 7 tips to get back with your ex. They'll greatly increase your chances of a successful reunion... and once the two of you are back together, they'll help your relationship be stronger than it ever was before you broke up.
1) Before you ever even contact your ex, make sure you're looking out for yourself. Do what you need to do to get your head screwed on properly. We often spend most of our time and energy focusing on the ex - making sure he or she is doing okay. That's not goin gto help you get back with your ex right now. Taking care of yourself will.
2) If you need to talk to a professional, by all means, do it. You have to work on getting yourself back to a stable emotional state... and sometimes talking to your best friend isn't enough. There is absolutely no shame in getting professional help - after all, break ups are very painful and very draining. You're going to need break up help to get back to normal.
3) Develop a rational strategy to get back with your ex. Acting on impulse might seem romantic and Cassanova-esque, but it's a recipe for disaster. Use a course like Save the Marriage to quickly develop a step-by-step plan for winning back your ex - if he or she is really the one, you can't afford to rely on guesswork - you have to know your plan will succeed!
4) Sit down and honestly evaluate your emotional state before you get in touch with your ex. Are you confident and calm? Your ex isn't going to be too interested in rekindling a romance with you if you're a crying, needy mess. Nobody needs that. Your ex wants somebody who adds to his or her life, not someone who has to be taken care of.
5) Set up a meeting with your ex in a neutral location. Don't go to the spot where you first kissed, or where you spent your anniversary, or anywhere else that dredges up the past. This is about the possibility of a new beginning - bringing up old emotions can easily ruin your chance of winning back your ex.
6) Don't just talk. Listen. Sure, your ex probably made some mistakes in your relationship, but you probably did too. Getting defensive about your shortcomings isn't going to make you more endearing. If you want to show your ex that you can make it work this time... listen without judgment. You might learn something that will make your relationship work.
7) Give your ex the space to decide whether to pursue the relationship. After the two of you have met, your ex will probably need some time to think. It will be tempting to contact your ex after the meeting to see if the relationship can be rekindled... but you need to exercise a bit of patience, and wait for your ex to think things through. Sometimes, a bit of space can make all the difference.
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